You Could be a Redneck if...

You COULD be a Redneck if...

Note: These are definitely tongue-in-cheek and are presented for your enjoyment

Another Note: These are presented in no particular order

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you can burp the entire chorus of 'Jingle Bells.'
truckers tell your wife to watch her language.
you think Dishwasher Broken means wife has no money.
your dog sleeps closer to you than your wife does.
your wife beats you at arm wrestling
your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
your wife drinks more beer than you do.
your wife ever burned out an electric razor.
your wife has a beer belly, and you find it attractive.
your wife has four-wheel drive on her vacuum cleaner.
your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
your wife would rather fish off a bridge then shop.
your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
your wife's brass knuckles set off the airport security.
your wife's hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan
your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
your wife outweighs your truck.
if you find a car while cutting your grass.
if you're family tree is a straight line
if you've been accused of lying through your teeth
if your dog passes gas and you claim it
"Somebody jiggle that" is a common household phrase.
a big time is shooting rats at the dump.
after sex, ask to roll down the car window.
all of your four-letter words are two syllables
all your art was purchased at gas stations.
any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.
anyone in your family wrestles alligators for a living.
anything outside the Lower 48 is 'overseas.'
blowing a tire means a new flower pot for the front yard.
directions include "turn off the paved road"
everybody can tell what kind of underwear you're wearing
everyone in your family is an Elvis impersonator.
hitchhikers won't get in the car with you
Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people
kudzu is in your family crest.
less than half the cars you own run.
your father made your personalized license plate.
your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade
on your honeymoon, you leave the driving to Greyhound.
people hunt in your front yard.
photos of your mama were taken from the front and side.
Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
stealing road signs is a family outing.
you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income
Thanksgiving was ruined because you ran out of ketchup
the cockroaches left a note saying 'Clean this place up!'
the dog can't watch you eat without gagging
the original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery.
the Orkin man tells you, 'Give up; you've lost.'
the pink flamingos in your front yard aren't a joke
the primary color of your car is bondo.
the rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front
the taillight covers on your car are made of tape.
there are antlers nailed to the outside of your house.
there is a ham hanging from your front porch.
there is a puddle in your driveway year-round.
there is a stuffed possum anywhere in your home
there's a wasp nest in your living room.
you consider beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment
you don't stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug
you think toilet water is exactly that.
you actually know which leaves make the best toilet paper
you answer the door with a baseball bat in your hand.
you don't need a clean shirt to go to work.
you are allowed to bring your dog to work
you serve Gallo and colby at your cheese & wine parties.
you are famous for your homemade squash wine
you bring a bar of soap to a public pool.
your house warming involves removing the tires.
you buy a new house and have to take the wheels off.
you can drink rubbing alcohol.
you think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
you can eat a McDonald's cheeseburger in one bite.
you can have sex without spilling your beer.
your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
you can spit between your teeth
your Home Library is a Bible and the Farmers' Almanac.
you can take your bra off while driving.
you've ever been arrested on an obscene mudflap charge.
you can't visit relatives without your car getting muddy.
your sister subscribes to 'Soldier of Fortune' magazine.
you car stereo costs more than your car.
you come back from the dump with more then you took.
you consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
you consider a family reunion a good place to pick up women.
your family tree doesn't fork.
your family tree is hollow.
you have grease under your toenails
you cut your toenails in front of company
you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
you dog doubles as your dishwasher.
your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers".
you dress the kids up to go to K-Mart.
you drove to elementry school.
you entertain with tapes of championship bowling.
your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick
you're entertained by a 6 pack and a bug zapper.
you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
you get an estimate from the barber to cut your hair.
you get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present.
you get your oil changed by your barber.
you give away more free puppies than the Humane Society.
you go to stock car races and don't need a program
you grow corn in your front lawn
you have more the 10 ceramic statues in your front yard.
your front porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs
you keep a pellet gun by the front door.
you had to remove the Marlboro to kiss the bride.
your wading boots double as dress pants.
you have 'dress' boots.
you've ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley
you have a bumper sticker on your bowling ball.
you're still upset about 'Gunsmoke' being canceled.
you have a gun rack on your bicycle.
your local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.
you have a Hefty bag for a car window.
you have a rag for a gas cap.
your tattoo says "Mother" and it's misspelled
you've been too drunk to fish.
you have ever financed a tattoo.
your mother genuinely admires your girlfriends tattoos
you have any relatives named Elmer or Jed.
you have brothers named Bubba or Junior.
you have Mason jars filled with stuff the FBI can't ID.
your yard has ever been the proposed site for a landfill.
you have more appliances in the yard than in the house.
you have orange road cones in your living room.
your home needs a hitch.
you have to mow your driveway.
you keep catfish in your aquarium.
you know hay many bales of hay fit in your car.
you love your dogs more than your family.
you made a homemade spa with a trolling motor
you mother has ever been arrested for poaching.
you own more TVs than books.
you own a denim leisure suit
you own a homemade fur coat.
you've never paid for a haircut.
you own more than 3 shirts with the sleeves cut off.
you've spray painted your girl's name on an overpass.
you paint your car with house paint.
you want to be a disc jockey when you grow up.
you prefer car keys to Q-tips.
you've ever named a child for a good dog.
your first grandchild is born on your 26th birthday.
you quit your job so you won't have to pay child support.
you record WWF Wrestling while you're at work.
your Junior-Senior Prom had a Day-Care Center
you refer to the fifth grade as 'my senior year.'
you sell rabbits out of your car.
you shop for groceries at a gas station.
you wonder how gas stations keep their bathrooms clean
you show your belt buckle when asked for I.D.
your belt buckle is bigger then your head.
your belt buckle is heavier than 4 lbs.
you voted Tammy Bakker as `Year's Best Dressed Woman'
you take a bath once a week whether you need it or not.
you think "Deliverance" was a love story.
you think 'recycling' means going home from work.
you've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.
you think paprika is a third-world country.
you think people who have electricity are uppity.
you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors D'oeuvre
you think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
you think your boyfriend hits you 'because he cares'.
you use a bed sheet as a sofa cover
you use more than one can of hairspray per week.
you view duct tape as a long-term investment
you wake up with Red Man in your hair.
you wash your car more often your kids.
you wear knee-high stockings with a short skirt
you wet the bed and 4 other people immediately know it.
you write off a radiator as a business expense.
you've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
you're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it.
your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
you've ever barbecued Spam on the grill
your savings are just out of reach for that '76 Pinto.
you've ever cleaned fish in your living room
you've ever rolled your riding lawn mower.
you've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
you've ever done Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
you've ever given rat traps as a gift.
you've ever lost your wife in a poker game.
you've ever vacationed in a rest area.
you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
you've worn something to church having sequins on it.
your appearance got you fired from a construction job.
your baby's favorite teething ring is a garden hose.
your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
your funeral has more pickup trucks than cars.
your house moves and your 27 cars do not.
your bumper sticker says "My other car is a combine".
your car has never had a full tank of gas.
your car wakes people up when you drive down the street.
your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
your chain to your wallet is as big as your dog chain.
your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does
your idea of foreplay is saying, 'Get in the truck, Woman!'
your idea of going formal is a black truck.
your truck cost more than your house.
your diploma includes the words "Trucking Institute"
your driveway is bordered by half-buried tractor tires.
your favorite Chinese meal comes from "LaChoy".
your flashlight holds more then four batteries.
your genepool is only a foot deep and usually empty.
your idea of health food is pork rinds.
your kid takes a siphon hose to "Show & Tell".
your kids are described as "dumb as a brick".
your pocket knife's been referred to as "Exhibit A".
your Levi's have Skoal can prints on the pockets.
your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
your mother doesn't put on shoes to go grocery shopping.
your muffler is held on by a coat hanger.
your neighbors have ever asked to borrow the lightbulb.
your parrot can say. 'Open up, it's the police!'
your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
your taxidermist is on 'speed-dial'.
your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
your watch band is wider than any book you've read
your wedding looks more like a family reunion.
your will states all your possessions be sold at auction.
you want the national anthem to be "Free Bird."
you're holding a beer in your wedding photo.

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